Fishing
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the
following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the
house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a
new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will
remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word. So they asked him: You haven't said anything about what you had to do to
be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my
alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a
sweater." |
Feeling Frisky
One night, as a couple lay down
for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts
rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist
appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment
tomorrow too?" |
|
Which Feels Better?
A man and a
woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex
more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're
so obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered.
"Think about this...when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and
wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"
|
|
Out Of Place
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and
Gary spends six hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy.
The next
afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly, Gary starts to
freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter! Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary yells, "There's a hair in my
spaghetti! Get it the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and down
as he quickly takes the spaghetti away. Mary looks over at Gary, and
shaking her head, she whispers, "What a hypocrite you are. You spent most
of last night with your face full of hair." Gary says, "Yeah? Well, how
long do you think I'd have stayed if I found a piece of spaghetti in there?"
|
|
7 Most Important Men...
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE
it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll
lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and
lie still!" |
|
|
Devil's Offering
Clinton dies and of course goes straight to hell. When
he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him three ways to spend
eternity. They go to the first door and the Devil shows him Newt Gingrich,
hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "Oh no! That’s not
how I want to spend all eternity......." They go to the second door. The
Devil shows him Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill
says "Oh no! Not for me!"
They go to the third door. Behind it is Ken Starr, chained to the wall
with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a blowjob. Bill thinks and
decides, "Hmmm, looks okay to me. I’ll take it." The Devil then says,
"Good. Hey Monica, you’ve been replaced." |
|
|
Beethoven's Ninth
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a
churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking
through the cemetery and heard some
strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the
drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to
the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment,
and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's
backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the
Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he
stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My
fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
|
|
Crotchless Panties
|
One day
a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend.
She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the
boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her
panties and bra on. "Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend
backs off and says, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't
going any where near it!" |
|
|
Fido the Police dog
Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to walk the beat.
They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was
running late this morning after my workout and after I showered, I
forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the station to get
them."
George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9 unit,
Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."
It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station,
so she lifted her skirt for the dog.
Fido's nose shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting. After 10
seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs the wind, and he
is off in a flash towards the station house.
Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog
is nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to
worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens
get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido
rounds the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth.
|
|
12 inches
A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop
stuttering, but he can't.
Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help.
The doctor examines him and says "I've found your
problem.
Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is
pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."
So the man asks, "What's he cure, doctor?".
To which the doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6
inches." The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his
stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a
success, and he stops stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that
since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his
girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone
down the tubes.
He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six
inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats
himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6
inches back!"
Finally, the doctor responds, "F-f-f-f-f-f-#ck Y-y-you!
|
|
Easily Explained
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his
wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to
her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor's office. The
doctor asks her what's wrong, why doesn't she want to have sex
with her husband?
"Oh, that's easily explained. For the past six months," the wife
says, "I've been taking a cab to work every morning. I don't
have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'Are you going to pay
today, or what?' So, I take an 'or what'."
"Then, when I get to work," she continues, "I'm late, so the
boss asks me, 'Are we going to write this down in the book, or
what?' So, I take an 'or what'.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no
money. The cab driver asks me again, 'So, are you going to pay
this time, or what?' Again, I take an 'or what'.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I'm all tired out and
don't want it anymore."
"Yes, I see," replies the doctor. "So, are we going to tell your
husband, or what?"
|
|
Who's This Guy
After a long night of making love, the young guy
rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for
his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
|
|
How Many Women
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning
her husband about his lurid past.
"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women
have you slept with?"
"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".
Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell
her.
"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's
you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."
|
|
Birds and Bees
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when
her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy
fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they
kiss and hug and have sex.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy
puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The
child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s
penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
|
|
PERFECT BREASTS
A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He
says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100
dollars?
"Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away. He turns
around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks
again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?" So the guy runs
around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite
your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars, eh?
Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal
the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he
grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing
them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite
them or not?"
"Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..."
|
|
At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed
especially interested when they told him how Eve was created out of one of
Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and said, "Johnny what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to
have a wife."
|
| A businessman boards a flight
and is lucky enough to be
seated next to a beautiful woman and he notices she is
reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her
about it and she replies, "identifies that American
Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men
have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is
Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski,
nice to meet you.
|
|
Chicken
farmer
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him
that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few
questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and
then asks, "What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never
work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
"Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a
chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do
with being a whore or a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year. |
|
Lady
Problem
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the
ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them
away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to
work on your self-esteem.
Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom
mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person,
and an attractive person.
But, say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have
women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the
office a bit excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden
expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the
doctor.
"Oh, it worked alright. For the past several weeks I've
enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most
fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
|
